More Than a Mother

Motherhood is legitimately the most difficult undertaking of my life, yet it is the thing I feel most called to do.

Long before I had a blog or a podcast, I’ve been writing. I have piles of journals with tear stained pages full of my thoughts and most difficult emotions. I have countless files on my computer of letters I’ve written to people that are still undelivered and some that are being compiled to deliver later in life. I have notes penned in my phone and index cards scribbled on all over the house. I believe in words and the power that they hold. I love to write…it’s just part of who I am.

Today, as I was sitting down to write for the blog I opened up a file titled “More than a Mother” and the entry below is what I found.

I wrote this when my daughter was about a month old. I wrote this in the middle of post-partum depression. I wrote this while my daughter, who had colic, was finally settled down for a nap. I wrote this from a place of emotion unlike anything I’d ever experienced. As I read through it today, I realized that the words still ring true…so I want to share them with you.

I hope that something in it will transcend the screen of your phone or your computer and pierce right into your heart the way that it has mine. Let’s live loved dear Mommas, so that our children can see the heart of our perfect Father.

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May 2016

I just recently became a mother. That says a lot. My life has changed in insurmountable ways. It is the most amazing adventure I have ever been a part of. It is hard. It is tiring. It is beautiful. It is unpredictable. It is real. 

As a new mom, I am not ashamed to say that I cry…a lot. I cry because I see my daughter and am so incredibly in love with the tiniest human. I cry because I am tired but have to keep going because she needs me more than anyone has ever needed me before. I cry because I am afraid of making mistakes. I cry because I am scared that I will not know what to do; I cry because I don’t know what to do a lot of the time. I cry because she cries. I cry because I’m so blessed to be a mother and I know it is an incredible honor. I cry because she knows the sound of my voice and the touch of my hand. I cry because she remembers my heartbeat. I cry because it is all different than it was before. I cry because sometimes it is all that I know to do. 

A few nights ago I was in her room rocking her to sleep and as she was falling asleep in my arms I began to pray over her. I cried as I prayed because I realized that I was a mother praying to my Father over my daughter…it was breathtaking!

As I prayed, I referred to a wall in her room that is adorned with a prayer that we speak over her on a daily basis. It reads “You are a child of God. You are dearly loved, wonderfully made, and precious in His sight. Before God made you, He knew you. There is no one like you.” As I claimed this over her life I began to weep. I wept because I heard a still small voice inside of me say “That goes for you too, Dani.”

It was as though God knew that I had forgotten. 

And…I had. I had forgotten that above any label or role ever placed on my life, however good or bad, that I will first and foremost always be “A CHILD OF GOD!” It is somehow easier for me to believe that she is dearly loved, wonderfully made, and precious in His sight than it is for me to believe that those same principles apply to me. I am no less His child than she is. I have to remember what it feels like to be a child…His child. 

I have to remember that I am more than a Mother because first…I am His child.

I have to remember what it means to be held in the arms of my Father. I have to remember what it is to be provided for and taken care of by my Father. I have to remember what His voice sounds like. I have to remember the beat of His heart and the touch of His hand. It is not that I have to remember because He stopped being these things…no, I have to remember because somehow life has swept me away to a place where I stopped noticing. I have stopped noticing all of the big and small ways that God pours out His love to me. 

Today, I want to notice every little noise and move my precious little one makes. I want to pick her up and hold her at every whimper. I want to be exactly what she needs at every moment.

If I, as a mother, want these things for my daughter then how much more does God, the perfect Father, want them for me? I notice her…everything about her. So surely that means, that He notices me…everything about me. And as He continues to notice me, I want to notice more of Him. I want to make note of all of the graces that God affords me. I want to notice all the moments that He provides and consumes me with His love. I want to see Him in the most unsuspecting places and the most unexpected times. 

I want to remember that I am a child of God. Before I was a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a student, a teacher, a wife, or a mother……I was a CHILD OF GOD.

I want to remember that. I want to live that. Because I AM that!

© Dani Hardy 2016/2019 “More than a Mother”